How to Write a Romantasy Bestseller By Jane Stecyk
Romantasy Short Story Challenge 2026
3rd Place
Jane Stecyk
How to Write a Romantasy Bestseller
SYNOPSIS: A romantasy writer is kidnapped by her characters, and things get weird(er).
Trigger Warnings: Mild sexual references
If Zelda hadn’t been hiding under her covers, she’d have noticed the arm sticking out from her wall. Even if she’d just been in bed, she still might have noticed the purple glow of the rapidly expanding portal in her hallway before the arm emerged from it.
But, Zelda had just finished an extremely exhausting virtual “meet and greet,” and was rewarding herself with what an ex had described as “full corpse mode.” She felt the tension drain out of her as she lay under her weighted blanket.
A second arm emerged as Zelda replayed the event in her mind. Her fans were rabid, desperate for any details into her next book, but pleasant enough. As long as she wrote about B’totheill Icewing. She’d deviated from his storyline in her last book, relegating the oversexed half-dragon elf mage to a side plot, and received death threats.
“This is SO NOT CANON!” read one. Zelda had posted a picture of it with her commentary (“I wrote the fucking canon!”) on social media, but had taken it down after the public informed her that she was, in fact, wrong. B’totheill belonged to them now, and Zelda had to keep writing stories about him until she died.
Therefore, when B’totheill Icewing, his wings dramatically backlit by the purple portal glow, ripped off her blanket, Zelda’s first reaction wasn’t surprise. It was anger.
“My lady!” He said, dropping to one knee in front of her. “You are—”
The Stanley hit his head and he crumbled to the floor. Zelda looked curiously at the blood smearing her tumbler.
“Purple…just like I wrote…” she murmured, before setting aside her makeshift weapon and cautiously leaning over the side of the bed.
“Wow, you really nailed him.”
Zelda screamed, and scrambled off the other side of the bed. She felt for her cup without taking her eyes off this new visitor. He was as tall as B’totheill, but wingless. Instead of velvet finery, he was wearing linen and leather. She grasped the Stanley and pointed it at him, shaking.
“Who the fuck are you?! What the fuck is…this?!”
He ignored her, bending to examine B’totheill.
“He’s breathing. He’ll have a hell of a bruise for your wedding, though.”
“Wedding?!” He turned and approached her, talking in low tones.
“It’s alright, we’re not here to hurt you. I’m Oleks, and you’ve met B’totheill.” “I—wait…Oleks…Valrhona?”
“The very same.” He bowed.
“But you’re…both of you….you’re characters. Christ, your last name came from a brownie mix! Oh my god, this cannot be happening…this cannot be real. You cannot be real.”
“You know, it is weird. Because we kind of feel the same way about you, Zelda. B’totheill consulted the royal shaman, he said you might be something called a…tilpa? Tulpa?”
When she offered no confirmation, he continued.
“Anyway, B kept having these dreams about you. He can be…a little obsessive. Which, when you’re a dragon elf mage with unlimited royal resources, creates some interesting results.” He gestured at the portal in the hallway.
“Half-dragon,” she whispered.
“Half-dragon, all man!” came a voice from the floor. B’totheill sprang up.“A man who loves you, Zelda!” Crackles of light jumped between his fingers and then reached out towards her. She flattened her back to the wall.
“What’s happening?” she moaned, as the cold fire encircled her. She floated up into the air.
“B, remember when I said ‘be cool’? I meant ‘be less intense,’ not ‘deploy ice magic’.” B’totheill ignored Oleks, and drew Zelda closer to him like a poodle on a leash.
“My darling,” he cooed, his brilliant amethyst eyes gazing into hers. “I can’t wait to show you our world.” He turned back towards the portal. Zelda looked through it and saw the wide green fields of Lightmire, with B’totheill’s crystal palace shimmering in the distance. Seeing her imagination corporeal in front of her should have been the last straw for her frayed sanity, but her rising panic had a different source.
So much space….!
“Oh no, no, nooooo, you don’t understand, please! I’m agoraphobic!”
“Zelda Agoraphobic?” B’totheill cocked his head. “An interesting family name, but Icewing will be an upgrade, to be sure. OLEKS! SECURE THE PERIMETER!” Zelda screwed her eyes shut as he pushed her through the portal.
#
She felt a rush of air on her face, and swallowed back the vomit rising in her throat. Eyes closed, she recited the mantra her therapist had given her.
“I am on solid ground. I am on solid ground.”
“You’re not, though.” She cracked one eye. Oleks gestured at her feet, which hovered above the grass. B’totheill strode several paces ahead of them.
“You know, you’re a minor character.” She said. “B’totheill just needed a friend to avenge so he could travel to Crowspire and fall in love with Galatrielle Mirthmorra, the raven princess.”
“Well, he thinks he’s in love with you, so I don’t see that happe—wait, avenge me? What do you mean, avenge me?”
“Get me back to my apartment and I’ll tell you.” She smiled, eyes still closed. Suddenly she stopped moving, and the coolness of the magic was replaced with warm hands.
She opened her eyes to Oleks’ face, an inch from hers. Did I write him cute? He’s kind of cute.
“Look,” he said in a low voice, “I can help you, but I want to—”
“Oleks! Bring me my bride!” B’totheill yelled. Zelda felt her muscles unclench as she took in the walls of the grand hall they were in—glimmering crystal walls—but walls all the same. They tightened again as Oleks brought her to B’totheill, who assessed her cooly.
“I am so glad you called to me, my love. That place you were being held, these rags…” he shook his head in disgust.
“That was my apartment! And these are from OLD NAVY!” Zelda slapped her sweatpants defiantly. B’totheill snapped his fingers and a trio of ethereal elves appeared instantly.
“My bride has been held captive by an ancient navy in a cramped hovel. Adorn her, so she may come to our marriage bed…not….like this.” He wrinkled his nose and left with a flap of his wings.
Zelda looked desperately at Oleks as the attendants circled her like sharks. He stepped to her and said, loudly, “And I shall guard the bride, so that she remains pure for our lord!”
“Ew,” said Zelda. Oleks shrugged as the elves led them upstairs.
#
She was ushered into a room full of tubs, all of them full of glistening liquid, each more deliciously scented than the last. Oleks stood outside the door as she was stripped and buffed to a high shine.
“Wow,” she said, inspecting herself in a mirror. Her face was glowing, her blonde hair arranged in an artful updo. She’d been laced into an ice blue corset dress.
“Um, underwear…?” She mimed stepping into a pair of briefs, but was met with blank stares. She thought back to the hundreds of sex scenes she’d written—not a boxer or panty to be found in any of them—and cursed herself.
Once they were satisfied with her transformation, the elves filed out. Oleks quickly came in and closed the door behind him.
“Wow,” he said, taking in her new look.
“That’s what I said. Those elves know their shit.” She blushed, but returned his gaze. She noted his tousled hair and classic features. He smiled, revealing a charming snaggletooth. She racked her brain for more details about him. As a balance to B’totheill’s excesses, she’d written him simply, using only a few descriptors. Brave. Intelligent. Strong. As allies went, she supposed she could do worse.
“Oleks, if you get me home, I won’t kill you off.”
“Gee, thanks,” he pulled her towards a corner and tapped on the bottommost brick. A hidden door opened, revealing a staircase. “Here’s the thing—I’m coming with you.”
“You can’t come with me! I live in a hovel, remember?” She argued, somewhat half-heartedly, as they ran down the stairs into a lantern-lit passageway. Shouts echoed above them. Their flight had been discovered.
“I saw enough to know it’s better than staying here as B’s lackey for the rest of my life!” he said as they ran. “Also…he’s not the only one who dreamed about you.”
“Oh. Oh!” She slowed, processing. More words, sprinkled through her sparse descriptions of him, arose. Loyal. Kind. A good man.
Suddenly, B’totheill’s voice reverberated down the tunnel.
“OLEKS!” The temperature dropped as his ice magic preceded him, frosting the walls. Oleks turned to Zelda, panicked.
“What’s our next move?” Her eyes widened.
“You’re asking me?!”
“You made this world!”
“My plots consist of B’totheill fucking anything that moves! This is uncharted territory!” They froze, quite literally, as B’totheill rounded the corner of the passageway, and encased them with his crackling magic. He sneered at Oleks.
“Well, well. Seems we shall have a wedding and an execution today.”
Adrenaline flooded Zelda’s body. She wasn’t about to let B’totheill edit out Oleks on her watch. I decide what’s fucking canon, you horny asshole. And with that, she realized she’d been drastically underplaying her hand.
She sighed dramatically.
“B’totheill, why marry me just to make me a widow?”
“Widow?! I’m practically immortal.”
“Well, no. Your entire existence depends on me writing about you.” A furrow of concern crossed his brow. “Surely your shaman told you that?” He blanched, but recovered quickly.
“Then you shall have the finest parchment, and scribe our glorious adventures!” She smiled. Got you.
“Unfortunately, I’m not feeling very inspired. This world is way too big and it freaks me the fuck out. I’ve never been able to write away from home.”
“And...if I return you, you shall write of me?”
“Yes. If you send both of us back to my apartment, you have my word.”
He hesitated. But only for a moment. The magic encircling them dissipated, and the elves appeared.
“Oleks, you wish to leave this—our adventures—to be with Zelda Agoraphobic?”
“I’m sorry B, but…you’ll always be the main character here. I need to find my own story.” B’totheill nodded, and offered his hand to both of them.
“Take them to the portal!” He snapped at the elves. “And Zelda…”
“Yes?”
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a centaur.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
#
Zelda kept her eyes closed for the return trip. Oleks held her hand tightly and didn’t let go until they reached her hallway. She opened her eyes in time to see the portal shrink to a pinprick, and disappear.
“So.” Oleks shuffled his feet from side to side, awkwardly.
“So.” Zelda matched his nervous energy, twirling a lock of hair. “You can stay here tonight. And after that…we’ll see.”
“Thank you. Zelda…did you mean what you said? You’ll keep writing about him?”
“B’totheill?” She scoffed. “Hell no.” She was surprised to see Oleks’ frown, and put a hand on his shoulders. “Oh, don’t worry. He’ll live on. See, there’s this thing called fanfiction…”
And so, Zelda began to teach Oleks about her world. They started with the one bed trope, and went from there.
6 Months Later
Zelda closed her laptop, happy with her progress for the day. She inhaled deeply, and smelled chocolate.
“I swapped the water for espresso!” Oleks barreled in from the kitchen with a plate of brownies.
“You know,” she said mid-chew, “I just picked a random word for your last name. It’s not that deep. You don’t have to be into baking.”
“Are they bad?”
“Fuck, no. This is the best brownie I’ve ever had.”
“Great, because I happen to like baking. Besides…” he leaned in and kissed a crumb off her lip. “Chocolate is an aphrodisiac.”
She deepened the kiss as he lifted her up onto the desk.
“Wait!” She reached behind her and gently moved her laptop. “I’ve got a bestseller in there.”
“Oh, yeah?” he asked, kissing her neck. “About what?”
“You. Now, can we continue this research? It’s pivotal to the plot.”
They did. And it was.